Ive lost his patience. There was a few weeks were it looked like could with things out but now Im not sure. If this is something where the two of you have remained together and do in all honesty still love each other, then I definitely think that it is possible to fall in love with that same person all over again. It does not necessarily mean you dont love your husband. And that means the first step is to love and appreciate yourself. Everything was good. he is the bestest guy i could ever have. Itll take a lot of work to repair the damage and build trust back to almost where it was. Right 3 weeks qfter this incident a boy confessed to me saying he was serious and all, then we started dating in online but i had been traumatised by my ex issue with parents thus i had been so insecure while dating. I did not expect this. But eventually ended with drawn out, heart felt goodbyes to one another. She would come briefly to money and gone. You do not have to go though this. I see this man as my husband and life partner, but he does not see me that way anymore and is not attracted or interested, though he has said there is some love but its not romantic. If she still wont trust you, then you can go to couples counseling to re-build trust. My wife has just started an executive MBA which involves travel and I am 100% behind her in making sure she is successful. It worked out well he changed completely and we were even more madly and deeply in love. She recently went through my phone after she saw a text from one of my ex. Hi Dr. Deb, your advice will be greatly appreciated. In my state of distrust for men I put up many walls, and my friend has broke them down one by one with his patience and willingness to just listen and not become defensive. We would go a few days or a week being normal but it always came up, and to be honest she never TRULY believed me. You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! My boyfriend of 2 years has left me. Please dont get involved with a liar. I was hurt. In my heart we were true soulmates. I have a whole lot more to say but Ill just leave here for the today. I never felt safe and I never felt grounded. After i realized what ive done i closed my fb profile and told her what i had done, she was furious with me. When our wedding song comes on he always wants to slow dance and he tears up but I feel nothing. always remember, for those out there who are in relationships that are struggling, or are working things out, make sure before you say something, you think before you speak, install a filter between your lips and your tongue so to speak, because if you choose to say something hurtful, you can never take it back and the damage caused by what you assume is just a simple word is far more destructive and painful long term. Months after it happened, I went through I tough time in my life and my girlfriend stood by me and helped me. Two options for you are couples counseling or, as I suggested to the person who wrote just before you, the video on my website is a good beginning at self-help if you would both watch it. Your actions in betraying were not giving, not even to yourself. It is not at all about moving forward. Actually, your bf has to take a good look backward. I feel a lot of my bad habits of being stubborn or misunderstanding have gone and I have beem rewarded with my efforts through this tough time by a husband who tells me I look prettier every passing day. HI my comment is really good information but when someone wearing those shoes is really hard to do things the right way because is too much pain and feel desperate to get the person you love back .is a lot things you dont know how to deal with this, is my story ,I met this wonderful guy 17 years ago but 4 years ago he desired he want to go back to school we didnt have the money but i support his decision so we move to another state but i was having trouble find it a job, so i desired to move back and leave my husband and my youngest daughter together.I was working 2 jobs to support Them for almost 4 years now hes done with school and find a job but the job has not been paying the much so is hard to survive with income because is not enough, I still at the same place working 2 jobs trying to support my self and also helping him when i can, well now after 4 years we have been a part he told me doesnt love me anymore and i am devastated because i feel betrayed for the whole situation. The answer is: betrayal. hurt but yesterday she just told me she wasnt I do everything for my husband and do my best to keep him happy I cook homemade meals every night he is home, I make his plate, I pick up his plate, I scratch and rub his back almost nightly, and we have sex often (always have). It devastated him until he confessed he had been unfaithful earlier in the year. I ignored his emotions and efforts. This, I am guessing, is the it that this woman thinks you are not getting. There was always some excuse not to include me. It took me a while to learn to trust either of them again but I did it. This is serious! When love blends with hate, this is a case of ambivalence. Hi Samuel Show them why something is the way it is. Take action instead of ruminating in guilt. It feels like repentance and remorseful thoughts and actions are not enough. I have been with my bf for almost 2 years. She was happy to see me. My heart and brain are on two different levels right now. I dont know. What do I do? I cant be friends with someone who broke my heart with no feeling and so easily. After betraying his trust three times he agreed to try a last time as what we had was so amazing. I have agreed to try again but can one fall in love again when my heart is with the other guy. Mel, im full of anxiety because i feel i may have to make a decision once gain. i know its very obvious. And now I now I want to hurry up and fix my prombles out with him. I, well I lived in a warped sense of reality where I somehow believed how I was as a person was normal and ok. That I did love him. You ask what to do. I understood that she needed time to heal and relax so I didnt bother much. She called the law on me and the law said she cant do anything about it. I was in deep depression of my finances, my anger has been a problem I had lost my licence, I lost my job I had which loved. reached a point that was the last straw and he was done. I landed in jail. he is to the point where he would get divorced. At times I really feel like deep down he still loves me and I want to fight to save our family and at times I feel like letting him go. My brain tells me to stop trying and let him go, but my heart, even though he has broken it three times now, tells me to not give up on him and to keep loving him. I get irritated by that. he even has blocked all contacts with me. She hasnt given me any details as to why. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, How to Handle People Who Are Eternally Evasive. You can love the fun times youve had; you can love how they made you feel, but you cant possibly love who they are if you call them ignorant, etc. I dont want to. It sounds to me like you are afraid of being abandoned. about 8 months ago I found that person. Be a man and stuff it. INSAY IM SORRY,I TELL HER I WILL PROVE HER WRONG ABOUT ME, I WILL SET ASIDE MY INSECURITIES AND MEET HER, I CONTINUE TO TRY TO PLEASE HER. Dear Dr. Deb He contacted me 10 days before going to France to look for a job. Although we were getting along ok I couldnt help these feelings. I dont know how many men can actually admit that. A couple months later he cheated on me with his ex fiance. We even went to breakfast together when the kids (mine and hismy daughter is in college) were in town. Thank you for your time. I know how terrible my behavior has been. Those years , I always tend to choose others then him becos I cant be a step-mom ( I told myself ) and seeing after and another.All fails and i still turn back to him for comfort. He gave a dry hi not even a kiss or hug. She wants you to be happy with your own self and life. I have been in a loving relationship for 5 yrs. The key is to not work with a psychodynamic therapist which will take 30 years. And you lost big. One day , i ask him, are you wary of me? However as much as I wanted to so we could be a family I physically and emotionally could not do it. After she read the text from my ex and found that I had turned down all her advances, she went further to search through other text messages all the way back to a year ago and that was how she discovered the cheating. He just kinda gave up on me when i was in a bad place. The counseling should be goal-oriented, meaning, you should be given specific tools to rebuild your sense of self-esteem and overcome the destructive messages that you have inside. but dr. i understand and know how he feels . i just wanted to know from the good doctor, What should I do my parents are against him I cant live widout him n now he is moving away frm me . After so long keeping my feelings locked up, it felt great to show him how much I still loved him. He is dishonest and you will not trust him again unless he is under the care of a therapist. My problems is that we grew apart, hardly had any sex, didnt talk about things more than day to day stuff and were more like room mates in the past 3 years. Will Smith. I could not eat in a week if argument. Hi Heather. But not even giving it a go is just ridiculous! Hi Dr Deb. People tell me its a front that she puts up. Otherwise, youll end up with kids and no husband. Or if we should even have this time spent for ourselves in the first place. It seems to me I keep asking my spouse for the talking and he turns the session around to another subject that ends up hurting me and I feel the therapist doesnt see this. Stick to your values. Weve been fighting a lot lately because he says I need to change the way I am, and to gain his trust. I cant reach him. Spark a Love Connection A child of the civil rights movement, a trial lawyer and the youngest individual ever to be elected to the South Carolina Legislature as well as the youngest African American elected official anywhere in the nation, Bakari Sellers has known great personal loss and earned historic public victories. At first I tried too hard to get him to talk to me, though I should have left him alone. We agreed at the start that it was just going to be casual and if either of us caught feelings we would walk away. Im now 5 weeks from my due date and he recently said that because of how Ive been acting due to the pregnancy and because this isnt what he wanted at this point, hes falling out of love with me. Feelings count! When we would fight, it would be legitimate, and itd be resolved in a calm, kind hearted manner. I dont know how to get past this second betrayal so soon on the heals of the first. I am inneed of it badly. The relationship ended, but not because I did anything wrong. Before I met him I had been in a 5 yr relationship that emotionally and mentally abused me, and before then, throughout my childhood and teenage years, id been abused the same way by my father. I go see my son in Bakersfield at my ex gfs house where she lives with her aunt. Suppose we project into the future. Make a special time to just go out w/o talking about who will pick up the kids from soccer. You need to find yourself academically, vocationally, spiritually, emotionally. Putting aside this other relationship, something has gone wrong in YOURS. I have tried already. The problem is I feel like a trauma victim having lived with him. We have two children with our third on the way. Give yourself time to work through your grief. I keep them written in my heart, and two who were so much more are forever to have touched my soul. Shes very ungrateful in our last meetings. I did a lot of research and listening to my husband and he continually spoke out every thought to me on why he wasnt attracted to me anymore and how I would react if he cheated or he left. I know he have no trust in me nor rs. I hope I can get some help here. Thank you, I would love some help with my tale of woe. Ever since I caught them, she confessed and has been feeling very guilty. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. Many years later our paths crossed again & our mutual friendship resumed. Keep trying. I dont know if I can or should attempt to work on this. Its way too confusing for him. Partner two has either called, came over, text or emailed every day since. Although we interacted. i have apologised through texts and we fought on the ex issue also . He had no business messing with you emotionally even if he did nothing wrong physically. she said shes convinced herself that we werent going to be together an moved on. It seems like he doesnt love me anymore and that hes just not trying to save this relationship. Ironically, underneath all of the junk we get along great and we love each other very much I just think there has been a lot of emotional damage done to a person who was already emotionally damaged from a previous relationship. I got a job, he got mad because he had to quit his. Every. There are books you can read, too, to help. Going out for a bike ride is another great idea for your first date because it gets you both active and outside of the house. Now, just suppose the two of you want to maintain the marriage. I would not be surprised to learn that he is cheating once again. She almost diedfor 2 mos in the NICU. I told him I wouldnt hurt him the ways I had any longer. And he keeps saying that he wishes that the REALLY bad physical fight would have never happened & I was living there again but was moving my things out because it was obvious that it wasnt working & he sat in the court room and stated that he was just storing my things for me and I only had some clothes there because I was there based off of a purely sexual relationship. she was so in love with me that i didnt realise that one day her feelings might fade.She says she has lost feelings for me but now ive learn to love her so much more.Is it possible for her to come back to me? At first I dismissed this saying No you have to go if you cant love me but then I got to thinking maybe this is an opportunity to show him I realize my weaknesses and that I realize I caused him to loose his since of self and rebuild things between us. I grew up as an orphan. She is very ungrateful. hello Dr. We tried to make it work but it was never the same. Ive been made aware of the changes that I needed to make to be a better woman, in general, and I am ready to move forward. I cannot see a life without her and I will give everything to right my wrongs just to have her with me again. (red flag 3). 3. We havent talked since mid-January. Ive talked about this with him but he doesnt understand why Im doing this to myself. My husband told me he is not in love with me anymore. Im moving out for the 3rd time and I fear I am making a mistake, that I may lose him forever, but at the time it feels right, but after talking it doesnt but I already have the place took $ out of as a loan on my 401k but I didnt sign the lease and I know my friends would say Im being stupid for staying. Dr. Deb, And I told her that. I told him that I definitely would not do what he demanded of me. I was now suspicious of everything I shouldve been a private investigator because the amount of time I spent checking up on him, where he was, who he was with, etc. Parents dont do this because they are mean (although some may be mean) but because of their own poor upbringing. I have been with out my youngest daughter for 4 years and not my husband say he doesnt love me anymore he feel out of love with me , but is hard for me to accept that i can imagine the life with out them , I feel angry use and betrayed by him but i love him he wants to divorce now but i have been fighting back to get back into relationship with him to be with my daughter and him he say emotionaly he has no feelings for me no more and thas very painful . He seams like hes sorry but it could all be a act. If it was fear, then your husband has the work to do to be a different kind of presence for you. over this course she has been a stay at home mom.. She has a mother and grandma that lives about 8 hours. Marriage should not be taken lightly. Interesting that he has a not-nice mother and an ex-wife that was not nice. It comes as no news to you that you can wind up loving and hating someone the same time when they have broken your heart into a million pieces. Someone this emotionally unavailable for you is very selfish. I was so lost and confused. Heres the back story: She is 44 and came from a well off family. Complaining? Since we have separated I have observed his relationship and interaction with the children improving. Depression and anxiety has deformed him to a stranger. What actions can we take to help him open up? I almost never have any sleep. As such, he will see the difference. She wants to go on date. What I advise is a really, really competent therapist who will work with the two of you together to help him turn on his feelings (which means helping him overcome his early learning to turn them off). Pictures everywhere. Now she has shut down and has said it can NEVER be the same. My feelings arent there at all. No support from family or anyone else. My husband has had far less experiences than I have when it comes to being with different people. I want his trust back as well n his love as well . He just thinks we should go back to where we were being a couple and having sex but I cant do that just yet. THIS WOMAN IS OF STRONG CHARACTER AND FREE AS A BIRD BUT I FEEL SOME HOW SHE PERCIEVES ME AS CAGED.. Or have I become so lost, jaded, tarnished and hurt that my mind will not allow me to feel truth. Right before she told me of her lack of feelings, I began taking an active approach in things like my career and relationship, after all, my life is in my control, but it was too little too late. where you getting the sweet stuff? My wife and I are struggling. Go and get a bible. If you direct your negative feelings at the person because of this flaw in his or her personality, you are bound to hate him or her (at least a little). Im struggling with communication issues with my partner. cos your heart is telling you is worth it . When your ex- sees you as completely changed and she, too, is stronger and healed, then there are possibilities. First boyfriend, literally everything. Hello Elena, I applause for what you done. During our arguments it takes drastic verbal damage for us to stop and realize. When we got together everything was really good. that feels great. There are deep breathing apps you can download for that. I asked if he knew she was here? You have to take care of yourself, even if it means breaking your own heart. Since you do not say what the argument was that turned her off and I dont really understand the every-day feel of your relationship, I dont know what to suggest other than that your girlfriend might want to make an appmt w me since I am a Marriage & Family Therapist. And how can I begin to forgive her for being emotionally attached to someone else ? But it is up to those caregivers to love themselves and accept their loved ones and to try to communicate clearly in order to feel and give love that nourishes. I am trying to be more attentive, do more around the house, and go out with her when she wants. 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