Steer him in the right direction if he is unable to keep up. You can see he's online but he's ignoring your posts or private messages. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Good for you. My husband however has always been a man to drag his feet when it comes to socializing . Everyone cultivates different types of relationships with the people around them. Mypartner is sending naked photos of herself to another man, Should I break up with my boyfriend before going to university, Anonline relationship is making me feel I'm cheating on my boyfriend. I guess we exist to end our lives alone. My husband, on the other hand, is more likely to check his CNN feed than his Facebook feed, and thinks that tweeting is what birds do. And theyre the ones most likely to end a relationship. Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. Behind The Behavior Any time jealousy becomes an issue in a marriage, that's a big red flag that there are some underlying problems going on. dump his ass. "We had been having problems for a while. I just wish I had my husband the way he was. Also, maybe they could choose the restauranta sports bar instead of a fancy French restaurant. If you are a homebody, marry that type of person. Allama al-Munawi (Allah have mercy on him) states: "Foreplay and passionate kissing before sexual intercourse is an emphatic Sunnah (sunnah muakkada), and it is disliked (makruh) to do otherwise." (Faidh al-Qadir, 5/115, See: Hadith no. What should I do? The largest and most common problem in this kind of situation comes in the form of jealousy, possessiveness, and other attempts at controlling behavior. First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying My husband has no friends or hobbies,) you might not think this is a big problem. Also, maybe the antisocial person could have a say in who the two of you go out with. Turns out she had been doing that though since about our second year of dating, so I dont really believe my introversion was her reasoning. 4 You have trust issues. Its that simple. Because you are not giving me signs that you care. We all stress about it The problem is MONEY. There may be an underlying reason (we'll get to that), but the fact remains: You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose. For example, Phil, youre right in that your wife shouldve agreed to have people over, given your level of discomfort. Are more likely to engage in physical. However, despite appearances, I don't hate people. Eventually, she is at a bar and meets a man and starts having an affair. If Im supposed to be different, and be super social, then she should have helped me do that, by joining the conversation rather than ditching me. We strive to be attentive and faithful. He calls me anti social when I am not. It can also become mental abuse, such as when it gets generalized into some form of "no one likes you" (See the next real-life quote below for an example). Its essential that you have both your personal identity AND the an identity as a couple. My wife was obsessed about going out with another couple. 7. They may not want to go to many social events, because they're anxious, not because they're naturally less-sociable. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. I think your wife was wrong for that. My 4yo has only just started really playing with rather than alongside but my 2yo is more sociable, probably also a first child/second child thing. I do realize that it isnt this simple, and that people who are antisocial might be uncomfortable, and might feel awkward and hence start getting anxiety if they know they are going out to a social event. Download the Divorced Girl Smiling mobile app. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Someone above mentioned how they felt introversion is not something that can be fixed, and I agree. All Jackie is doing is presenting what is going on on the other side too. I see a theme on all sites answering this question. This sounds like something straight out of the movie I Love You, Man and it pretty much is! What you are describing as antisocial is actually being introverted. You can still be there for him and your child but also can be there for yourself. 2) Don't Criticize or Correct. Too much individualism leads to neglect of the relationship, and too much focus on the marriage alone can make one or both members feel stifled and out of touch with their other social and family relationships. It doesnt have to stay that way. It may be normal for your spouse But it isnt healthy. My husband and I have a happy family with children and grandchildren, and we share several interests. Antisocial personality disorder is a mental condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. This isnt to say that you shouldnt be spending time together, of course, just that when theres a serious imbalance in your respective social lives, problems are bound to follow. I dont care about their kids or their health or their inane small talk that is so intellectually retarded it makes me cringe. You see, that is the crux. While you might be all of these wonderful things, and a truly good, caring, kind person, if never wanting to go out and do stuff is a problem for your spouse, then it is a problem in your marriage that needs to be addressed. She tried to force a friendship. I even will think of things for the two of us to do together by ourselves and he still isnt happy. How old are the kids? Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Thats why I say both sides make good points. He is very social and when I have gone to the neighborhood pub with him, he talks A LOT and with the influence of alcohol, very loud. When they say things like, You are being very quiet. Chronic criticismeven for small things. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. React Reply See 4 replies What Guys Said 21 Im introverted. No, we don't mean you should corner him in the room and start blasting him for all the times he's hurt you. How Do I Get My Husband To Understand My Feelings. Phil and Kimberley rightly feel like they didnt get acceptance from their ex. I hate being among large groups of people I dont know very well, and find making small talk very difficult. Other than that, I am fine on my own or with others. Before that, she thought that hating camping was fine and acceptable, but hating socializing was a serious character flaw. He rebelled by working mid-nights all holidays, weekends and gave away all his vacation time. Whats the fight about? I dont need to be around people all the time to be happy. Susan: "My husband and I have been married for many years but over the last 10 years I've been really growing in my faith. The nuances that comes with being an Introvert dont need to be fixed or changed. Photograph: Troels Graugaard/Getty Images. We are here a very short time. Its impossible to save money with her. 2. They are afraid of being afraid. Wed like you not to nag us, because you sure didnt do that when we were dating. I didnt marry her friends, her family or any other person or thing. The fakies who love to hang in groups dont like that one bit. Nothing you say or do changes his mind because he just doesn't value the relationship enough to try to save it. The man needs to compromise. Someone who is emotionally immature may also lack an awareness of the need for self-care. Howshould I motivate my overweight father to get fit? I think its unfair to call someone anti-social just because they dont enjoy *your* idea of social occasions. Back to finances, I wont get a joint account because she maxed out a credit card and when I let her use my card to get necessities like bleach or detergent when we were dating, shed overdraft. Simply open up the conversation and make him aware of your feelings. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don't listen to her, not the other way around. This fits me to a T. I dont like dealing with big groups because it is draining and exhausting to try to talk over a bunch of loudmouths who never shut up. Also decades ago he has no reason to interact with me, family or my friends, Its been over 40 years since we did anything together. I am an introvert and my husband is an extrovert. 10. And Im really glad I no longer have to rack my brain to come up with an original, romantic, epic date every weekend. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. Let them choose the double date. We are, however, only a few years from retirement and a recent spell off work for me has highlighted what I fear may be a problem. No it isnt. I am an introvert and talk to people I feel comfortable with. How do we put this behind us? You are going to make more money, and you might not want to share it with him. Nobody is magic. He Acts Better Than Everyone Else. Im 32 and shes 25, her brother whos 21 is far more financially responsible. Thats pretty butch there Randy, how bout turning it down a notch or two? He now does what he pleases with no regard to pleasing others. Truth is I am bored to death and find it a pointless waste of time. Even with family, at the beach or even Sea World. I find it difficult to interact when there are too many people present. Required fields are marked *. If my wife asks me to socialize or attend a function I dont want to go to, I simply say no. Be strong and be authentic, and you will have a beautiful life ahead of you., - Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling. Its not something that is a bad quality, or that you should be ashamed of. Just like extroverts, we need close relationships to thrive. But to my surprise, she agreed to give it up. He is also very smart and finds most conversations boring. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . Its okay to be an introvert or not attending social functions. He promised before God and our families to be the best man he can be for me. 17. Being able to talk openly and honestly with one another builds a foundation of trust, and sets expectations well before conflicting views or ideas lead to fights. We share very few friends and almost never go out with other couples or invite them to our house. Dont go out with her and then resent her and be mean. I am on vacation too and do not feel the need to follow along like a puppy dog. correct? What difference does it make to him? Now, here is the second part to that advice: try to have fun. Add message. Personally, I was always willing to accommodate my wife and go out to parties with her. You have to spend alone time with your spouse not always go out. I had to withstand the looks of my friends who wondered what his behavior was about. We dont hate you we still love you and wanted to have this with you. But in all fairness, he cant do anything about it if you dont express what you need. You say the antisocial spouse should tell their partner what they want from them. Remember, both people should be givers in the relationship. It is not a flaw, it is part of YOU. He is 4years older than me and just doesnt want to do anything. We cut our familial ties to tend our own flock, and gladly. 3.Probably it could be due to the bad experiences you have had . I want us to be happy. Why? Tell him I would like it if you took my hand etc. She always wants to go to her moms and gets mad when I suggest having some me time and meeting her there later. She would be at home relaxing in front of the tv. Men need to support each other more because youre sure not going to get that from most partners. Feeling I married the wrong man for me. When people would ask me where she was, I would say she is at home watching tv. If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org. It is not because we are depressed, have low self-esteem or are just unhappy, although those things may also be true. I like different things and my husband does not want to go and explore with me. Ive suggested that in the past. Men, if you dont want to do something DONT DO IT. So a little . She should have asked you what works for you. Just like the those days in school, though, friendships most often form around similar interests. Maybe your partner doesn't share the same political opinions as your dad, or they feel like your siblings always seem to have something negative to say, or they're just not vibing with your. Depending on the nature of the problems, and especially if severe anxiety is a driving force, its a good idea to seek the help of a professional counselor. Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Or it may be for more sinister reasons, such as . Those feelings really need to be communicated in the relationship. An introvert in contrast is simply shy. So I have never enjoyed large parties. What makes it worse is we see you happy to chat with your oldest friends. I married HER. Ive tried therapy thinking perhaps I could change my ways. I feel tricked. 'My husband doesn't love me. Its MUCH better to be alone and happy than deal with stupid women. My husband, on the other hand, seems no further along in his Christian walk than he was 10 years ago. You always seem to irritate him. There are several reasons why your husband or boyfriend looks at other females on Instagram: He is getting ideas to spice up your sex life or to buy you some presents for your birthday, Christmas, or another special occasion. You can not always have your own way when it comes to choosing restaurants or things to do. Read Susan Cains book. Their partner might need to remind them to brush their teeth, shave, or shower. We never had kids because he never wanted sex and couldnt stand the thought of bringing another life to this truly horrible world. Got it? Your husband doesn't want a partner, he wants a microwavesomething to heat up his dinner. One thing to think about if your significant other doesn't like your friends is jealousy. Men are visually stimulated, and they enjoy looking at attractive women. Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. Not the spouse who was not what you wanted, that you chose, anyways. By any means, this does not mean to make him jealous! Avoid overthinking. Don't put up with them. Where Should We Send Your Free Marriage Coaching? Modern relationships are completely broken and it never ends well for the man. For instance, I frequently suggested to my wife that we invite people over for dinner, but she would rarely agree to that. The day after our wedding we went to the casino because she whined and cried to get her way. I was also 15 years younger with more time and energy. He feels like a stranger' In absence of love, the distance between spouses only grows. 2. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. I like to go to parties and events where we could meet up with friends and listen to music and dance and have dinner and maybe meet new people as a couple together. What youre talking about is somebody who is an introvert. Maybe start by surrounding him or her with people they feel comfortable with. We had the worse argument a few nights ago after he came in for one hour. I love to be with other people, chatting or going out to dinner and the theatre, whereas he is much more self sufficient and really dislikes most social situations. Six hours a day. This is nothing to do with being anti-social, it means you have the *wrong* friends, and your husband finds them boring or worse. And might I add that watching tv with her is no picnic as she sits there and passes gas for hours and hours. Should I pursue an affair with a man who just wants to be friends? I have not mention this to him because I really want to take this opportunity to improve a little, but at the same time I dont think its fair, and I dont think being introverted is a flaw or something to be fixed. I spent hundreds at Kroger and she acts like a 2 year old when she wants to go eat out. Im checking out of this shit. I wont deal with it. And thats true I do that, he never questions me about my friends. The beauty of life is I dont have to deal with it. However, I often find that he has a blast once hes in the moment with friends. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. WRONG. Terms of Services. Nonsense. Not only did she ask me to socialize less, but I got to go camping with my wife, AND she (albeit barely) started to understand that (gasp) its normal for some people to not like various activities. Life is to damned short.Im moving on. You can get a divorce but remember who is really to blame here. Wed like you to be the same weight you were when we got married. Ive seen this movie before, and it always ends the same. I only go out once every couple of months with my sister whos my best friend. He just doesn't want to go to couples' counseling. I hate feeling drained from social interaction. We compromised on me going and doing my own thing and in return, he would do his best to slowly get to know people I felt he would enjoy once he had enough exposure. Similarly Id probably have more fun out my myself, but I also know theyre not compatible with a happy marriage. I dont know what to do. BUT your spouse didnt they know what it is to feel alone in a room you are in as you read your book or watch your tv show or sit on your computer. I want to come home late at night, pay the babysitter and have great sex. Now Ive decided Ill never have another girlfriend.They feel like they have the right to demand my time and attention. Making superficial small talk is excruciating for me. Dont waste your time with women. Most of the stresses of married life, the house, the kids, the career aggravation, is all pushed for by the woman. I have started to plan things with my single friends because of it. I try to make his family gatherings- in fairness, I more often than not, make it, as I also need to chase after our little ones! So I stopped socializing with her, I went out and met new people and suddenly realized there were people out there that I found interesting, who found me interesting and who I actually liked and enjoyed being with. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. Its tough, I know if I am honest shed rather be out chugging beers with her friends or hanging out with them and their husbands than me. In short, I need friends and he doesn't. In my mind had kind of checked out of the relationship at that point and accepted Id be looking for someone else soon. What I do disagree with, however, is your contention that this is a character flaw that the antisocial spouse needs to fix. Embarrassing your spouse will help them see their flaws. I had a dream of finding a gentleman kind of man but then dreams are dreams.. you need to accept the reality and live with it..though this thought becomes frustrating at times, I cannot imagine my life without him.. . He is selfish and deserves to be alone. He doesn't want bedroom action anymore. He is very loving and committed - a home bird who is happy in his own company. Meanwhile, without me there, shed party longer and harder with her friends, and have much more fun. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. Because thats what you do for someone you love and to whom you are committed. Jealousy and control are often masks for insecurity, and it may be the very same insecurity that keeps a husband like Joe from making friends, or even feeling confident enough to connect with strangers at all. 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